guess who’s been pull free for three days?

i’ve finally picked myself up, and i got myself a tangle relax therapy toy, and i have been working so hard not to pull. 3 days pull free! i’m super proud of myself. i am going to try really hard, and even if i slip, i’m still going to try. hopefully i can beat my record of 34 days!(:

it feels so good to be proud of myself again. i feel worth something. i feel happy, and i wouldn’t trade this for anything. ♥

i can do this! and so can you. i love you, you are strong enough to overcome this. trich does not define us.

stay strong!

xesther

he’s all i ever think about. he’s the one who promised to fix me, & he’s also the one who left. he’s the one who got a girlfriend the moment i fell in love with him. he’s the one who seems so fucking perfect, & he’s the one i can’t have. i’m constantly reminded that he’s happy & that she makes him happy. i guess that’s all that matters. the fact that he’s happy now, & even though he doesn’t have the time to help me anymore, he’s happy now.

he’s happy now

that’s all that matters, right?

you promised you’d be here, so where the fuck are you. i’m dying, i’m losing it all right now. you promised you’d help me; you said you’d help fix me. so why did you leave why the fuck did you let me trust you if you were going to leave. you don’t make a promise if you can’t keep it. you promised you’d stay, & i really thought you were different. i thought you actually cared, i trusted you, i let down my guard and trusted you, and you broke that down you broke that down and now my walls are higher than ever

I JUST WANT YOU TO CARE AGAIN I JUST WANT YOU TO GIVE A FUCK why the fuck did you make me fall in love with you why did you have to go

i watched iron man 3 last night and dear lord help me i died. i was sobbing in the theatre at the end, and i was the only one in the theatre who sobbed so.. (: it was so good. so so so good and upsetting and i just.. the end. omg i just couldn’t handle it. robert downey jr will always be in my heart adjfalksjfdlkajdfflasjldkfjasdkjflkasjfd <3 <3 <3

i’m not going to spoil anything, but overall, it was so good, & it may be my favorite iron man movie out of the three. there are so many good movies coming out this year & next year, i’m just so excited. like, the great gatsby is coming out in 2 days, & the book was amazing and the movie probably will be as well bc leonardo dicaprio. ♥

on a different note, i’m going to be starting on a higher dosage of prozac soon, maybe tmrw, so hopefully all goes well (: the weather is lovely, to say the least. it’s sunny and so bright, i just wish it would stay like this forever. 

i’m “happy” right now, if you can call it that. i wasn’t so happy this morning bc i started my glorious time of the month, & i cramp like a woman in labor.. but advil came and took care of it so it was fine. 

i’m just scared that i’ll either lose it and pull or i’ll lose it and cut. idk.

stay strong,

x esther

(if u havent noticed, i changed my url haha)

i sat on my chair, and as i mindlessly scrolled through my other blog, i pulled out a whole patch of hair. i used tweezers and pulled each one out, and it didn’t hurt at all. felt so good. why do i do this

i dont understand bc i rlly thought i could get better

omg i jsut feeel SO sad like i dont even know omg and my cutting ajdlfjdlfkj just 

stay strong

esther